(Fourth in this series of "We are alive" posts, this one is for Tangent and Tracer and Rex. Fair warning: might be rated PG-15, nature is not nice and all. But if you've ever watched a Animal Planet programme or any big studio movie you should be fine.)
A flow somewhere in the Goldenrod colony, this morning
<You really, really like me...>
He didn't remember why, but it didn't matter. It didn't register to Maekrite that it could even matter. He was in a bliss. Rolling on the dirt with his émar in her burrow, the two of them spending some time together. He had been brought here about two weeks ago and made to dig an ampler room for her, a task that had taken him some time considering that he had to find a way to get rid of a very annoying tree root. In between a lick to Crerah's foreleg and a huff when she bit his neck he took a look at where the root had once crossed; if the thought of the tree above them crashing down ever crossed his mind, it didn't last more than a second.
Once the Nidorina had been content enough with the larger space inside the two had spent a couple of days together grazing, collecting maythrennion, pestering random Rattata and marking trees. Every once in a while he had taken a trip to the city to check on Ithé-me Silent, who had for the most part not minded the absence - he was busy working on something science-y with Sol. And so long as he was in the city accompanied by three Eeveelutions and many allies, he was protected, so the Nidorino had lots of time to make up to his commitment for his own absence. In this he was dutiful at first, then dilligent, then more proactive. Being able to take trips to the city and bringing back fruits had helped a good lot, though he had to spend some awkward, unexpected times explaining to the female exactly what a pineapple was, or why was the "orange" he brought so small, acid and shiny. Only after he had been done explaining would he be regaled with the permission to come inside so that the two would eat together.
And boy the effort spent was worth it, the male managed to think as he was rolled over, to then notice the Nidorina running her claws across his flank and belly, inspecting some of his old scars. The two spent much time together and neither of them had engaged in physical contact with members of the opposite gender in a while now. Crerah purred (yes, this is WAAPT, rhino-rabbits can purr) as her eyes and claws examined the markings around Maekrite's poison points, given to him by Frithrah as a branding of a superior way of commitment. Superior yes but, the male reminded to himself, not nearly as important to him as what was happening now. The Nidorina examined the markings with glee - even if she didn't understand them well, she did like them. Maekrite's eyes opened wide and he blurted out something that he would not remember. He did think of possible marks. His EX-brandings were clearer than a normal Nidorino hide, and a bite or clawing of her in them would be much more noticeable.
Crerah saw her émarlet out a content sigh and lowered her head to let it rest on his flank. She liked having the Nidorino for herself, which was something they had been left pending for over half a year already. And she liked more having him in a trance of his own willing - not once in the two weeks since he had arrived had she had the need to use the thrall-inducing stares that the females sometimes used to force a male's lust to emerge and be recognized, to... Attract them when there was a need. He was here because he wanted to, it was all in his voice as he randomly let out some words. He would come around, they would spend time doing things they agreed on together (pestering random Mareep into running full circles was so fun) and then they would sleep together in the flow, or he would leave to check on his Trainer or to report to the Owslarah.
Maekrite dragged himself to his feet and got closer to Crerah, the two of them brushing their nuzzles against each other a couple of times. His horn was high so that he wouldn't scratch her by mistake. After that they leaned against each other's shoulders. Her rear spikes were flattened, but he was so lost in muzzle-nuzzling that he wouldn't even register that. He said something, he would later wonder what, and the two of them leaned against one of the walls of the burrow.
He turned towards her and slid by her flank, trying to reach her for cuddles to sleep. The two lied together and let themselves rest, he speaking some soft words to her ear, when he noticed a change in her disposition. Her body suddenly went tense, he noticed the rear spikes flaring up and her claws scratching the ground. Before he could mutter a <What?> he was swept off the floor by a claw spike to his neck that sent him to the ground a couple of steps away.
What did I do now? he wondered sincerely as he stood up, blinking. The female was sitting in front of him, looking obviously angry. Her left paw was stained with his blood.
<U-uh? W-w-what?> That's all that came from his muzzle, he didn't even know where he was or how long had he been there.
<...You dare?> she asked, more a hiss than an actual vocalization. Then she crossed her arms. <Who is Basket?>
Maekrite simply stood there, mouth open. His ears leaned back for a moment as he mentally slapped himself into trying to remember if he had just said anything about her.
<U-uh...> -- he gulped -- <She is a Tropius friend from my kithood...>
<She...> the female muttered. She had heard the mane from him sometimes, but not now of all times. Then she walked just a bit closer. <You dare lust after her when you are trying to mate with ME?>
Maekrite shifted around and stepped back, somewhat scared. <I-eh, she's just a female friend! Seriously!>
That was not going to convince her. She had scented his body. Poor Maekrite didn't know why it had to be Basket to come to his mind at the worst time possible, he cursed himself.
<You do miss her.> She didn't ask, she stated as plainly as if she had known Basket all her life.
<Well...> -- the Nidorino lowered his head and decided to attempt some sincerity. <Yeah...>
A frown.
Idiot, idiot, idiot. Come on, not even Silent sucks this badly!. He mentally slapped himself again.
<I just don't see her or her Trainer for a very long time already...> -- he tried to move a bit closer -- <Come on, émar... we are not even the same species...>
She stared at him and then turned away, walked a couple of steps closer to the corridor leading out of the burrow. Didn't return her sight to him.
<You know I don't have Nidorina friends... right?>
Now she turned and watched him out of the corner of her eye, now deep red as his own blood.
<Then what about Orchid?>
Maekrite's heart missed a beat. He knew the Goldenrod Nidorina that was teamed to Rex's mother liked him. Like, really liked him. She had fawned after him a couple of times, like some other wild Nidorina around had in the colony, but being a Trained mon with one of Silent's friends had meant they had been much closer.
Even if nothing had happened with them but try to explain that to a Nidorina right after you have already screwed up your mating somehow.
<...Well?>
Maekrite shook his head decisively. <But that's with a friend of Silent's. I haven't mentioned her, haven't scented her...>
Haven't I? Oh hraka, hopefully haven't messed up THIS badly? Oh well I'll find out if she gores me... one, two....
He tilted his head, appearing as friendly as he could. The Nidorina tilted one of her ears and let go a deep breath. Maekrite feel a bit safer. Crerah looked at her émar up down, but still her only response was to show him her fangs and bristle her rear spikes, a reminder that the Nidorino was standing on very, ver shaky ground right now.
Maekrite still took his opportunity. <You know I prefer you, right?> -- he nodded to appear more confident -- <I committed to you.>
It took her a moment to respond with a curt nod. Her arms crossed and ears up, the gesture was not very noticeable, but he managed to distinguish it. She raised her head and stared at him.
<You are supposed to be mine.>
<I am.>
<I've waited for you very long. More than half of my life.> -- she growled prompting him to flatten his ears. -- <But you always leave me.>
He opened his muzzle but nothing came out of it. He simply couldn't deny that fact.
He was not going to draw the Godly Edict card, most definitively not, he managed to bite his tongue before his mind managed to let that slip out. He wasn't going to blame Silent or Pierce or Teala either. He could have just said no and abide by the consequences, spending time around mons like Luke's and Tracer's had taught him that.
<I... really wish I wouldn't had to...> -- he drew a paw across the ground -- <I am trying to compensate you for it.>
She let out a glint of an Attract. Or a Leer, Maekrite couldn't really tell. He felt frustrated that he was screwing it up, again, right when things were marching well, again, and that she would only barely give him the benefit of the doubt. Many times before he had cursed his own fate but he had cursed it in silence. He wouldn't speak to Silent about it, not more than what they had already talked, but he wouldn't be able to understand how bad was this for the Nidorino. Silent was barely three Nidorino years old. Maekrite was five, by all rights of nature if he hadn't managed to breed at this point he should just step aside and go look for a glorious death by pestering a Tyranitar or something to allow his nieces - his nieces, some of which would even become parents this coming spring! - their place at spreading Inka's bloodline.
And that feeling got him. He felt that at the end where it really mattered he had been wasted, somehow been declared unfit despite his prowess. He had had his chances and he had let them pass.
<I... I just... I hate that this is unfair. You are being unfair.>
Getting along with Orchid would have been probably easy. Taking that Nidorina at the Orange Islands had very definitively been possible - her male didn't stand a chance and even when Maekrite won he had been forced to let it pass. That was one thing that, he admitted, he hadn't confessed to his mate.
<...Do you doubt my story? Doubt my fear?> -- he snorted, not letting his sight off her -- <Do you not think that until now I could not raise my own kits?>
The female was about to answer but she seemed to hesitate, as if realizing she had forgotten about something. Maekrite swung his horn in the heated air and continued.
<Do you not think of us ago?> -- he shook his head as in disbelief -- <I don't have a territory where to raise them. My den... my den is a Moon Ball. I barely hunt my own food. I can't bring you water when you are pregnant. I can't keep you warm...> -- he slashed at the ground furiously -- <I can't be here to teach them. If a Skarmory ate one of them I wouldn't find out until->
He couldn't even complete the thought... neither could she. She kept staring at him, breathing hard, prompting him to continue.
<I wanted to be your émar even before I was bathed by Frithrah's sunlight. Even before I had to survive the death of my own troop. This you know.>
<I know...> Crerah answered, finally lowering her head.
<But you don't know of my pains. Only of my successes and of my failings.>
<You have been called by Inlé sometimes... this I know,> she retorted. <I have always wanted to reward your coming back to me still breathing.>
Maekrite shook for a moment as he tried to formulate what came next.
<This you don't know...> -- he gasped for air -- <I was once lost in mating thrall. I imagined my kits but forgot about you. I showed her my value with the offering of her previous mate's blood.> He could not hold his gaze against the female's now saddened one. -- <I was rejected. I was found... defective. Evil. I was made to flee.>
Her eyes were now fixated at him with a confounded but still sad expression. Unlike that of any female whose mate admitted to have lost himself to the thrall of another female.
<Because I was evil I tried to kill one of my own teammates. Another one had to step in and I almost kill her as well. Even though she was a kit. Even though... Frithrah entrusted her to me.> -- he drew his paw across the ground -- <For me being evil my Trainer paid the price. Now some people consider him evil as well.>
He exposed his bleeding neck.
<Now you know.>
Crerah felt herself die at that statement. She knew from the history of the colony that Inka had never once put Silent's life on the line. When there was danger the two of them had been together. She knew Maekrite would never put him at risk either. She knew that Maekrite would not betray the colony and herself like that. He had been instructed by the very god of Nidorankind to not let it happen, a honour that Inka herself had not had back in her time.
Yet it had happened.
<H-Hamada...> -- she ventured, her breath still caught in her throat.
The Nidorino's response was a curt nod.
And the last few months of her life appeared now to the Nidorina in a new light. All the training, the mentoring of some Pokémon from outside lands. The travelling to a foreign land that had apparently been granted with permission of higher gods.
Silent having scented of fear and misunderstanding when they finally came back.
The Nidorino dropped his ears and gulped as he continued with his confession, with the harshest part.
<I had to let even more life pass. I... I thought we were ready.> -- he sighed -- <Then I was sent to mentoring... the Druddigon.>
She lifted her ears at the mention of the Pokémon; she remembered the female, who wouldn't, first of her species to come about to the colony specifically looking for mentoring.
<This you don't know... I didn't admit it to myself then but Teala was another lost chance at being whole. I... I like her. She is like I am. She likes me. And... we did...>
Crerah held her breath not sure if she wanted to hear what was coming next. She had to force herself to stand her ground.
<...we did speak of commitment as émar. We spoke strong. We are mated, somehow.>
Crerah blinked. Granted, it was bad, but not as bad as she expected. But what did he mean? She knew he was lying. When she fixated her attention to Maekrite again she realized that her gesture might have been misunderstood, as the male had flinched and stepped back. She decided to step ahead, just one step, as a way of letting Maekrite know she was not going to judge him as evil at this point.
<But you didn't...> -- she found herself speaking. -- <How? I know your body...>
<Not me... not her.> -- The Nidorino shook his head vigorously as part of his answer. <Not now or anytime until my death, either. In another lifetime that the higher gods showed us... what could have been us... we met their offspring.>
Crerah straightened her head trying to think. <So... it could have been?>
The Nidorino nodded.
<But it isn't...?>
Another nod.
<...You care about her this much? You did choose her as your mate...>
The Nidorino looked at her, firmly nodded again.
Crerah leaned forwards, sniffed Maekrite once again and formulated the next question with particular care.
<Does she understand it the same way you do?>
Maekrite opened his eyes more and lowered his head for a moment, thinking back to the conversation Teala and him had back in the Nix Festival. He suddenly felt ill thinking of some weird possibility that crossed his head, timelines and multiverses were so strange. Or perhaps it was the effect of the bleeding.
He nodded.
Crerah sat on her hindlegs, feeling ill as well. She had taken the scents of her mate a lot of times, and not once until know had she scented anything even similar to the simple concept of guilty. He had come this far trying to fix his own life. He was on an atonement regime, had been for months, and had endured it the same way he had endured everything in his life. The same way she had endured not having him. No matter that it was because he wouldn't admit it to her, she had still blamed him for it.
He could always have said no.
He would have still survived his kithood friends, since they would not have said no. And because she had liked him back then she would have eventually given him another chance.
He would have still gone with Silent and regretted each and every day of it. And because he would have eventually returned and abandoned Silent she would eventually had a chance to be with him.
He would have endured some punishment for disregarding an order from the Owslarah and somemon else would have to mentor the foreigners. And because he would ended up hurt and dismissed she would have welcomed him and had him all for herself.
He would have broken the Druddigon's heart and made all of her efforts pointless. And since he would have returned to her for nothing more than a faint hope, she would eventually have indulged him with brief moments of false love.
False.
Because she didn't like cowards. Or traitors. Or irresponsibles. Or egoists.
<I'm... sorry I'm not good enough,> he said somewhat dejectedly.
That was ill of him, she thought. She had already made her choice the last time he had to leave her burrow. He knew that. She taught him that.
Why had he forgot?
Why had she been so angry now?
Because he had mentioned the name of one possible mate? An infantile crush, not even a matter of lust? Even though he had been, all this time, worried about the welfare of yet another one? He did look worried now, as he was looking down to the ground, dissatisfied, dejected.
That was what he cared the most, at least when it came to females. It was obvious ithe subject would come out when he was most sensitive. The same way even when they nuzzled each other, even when they were hidden and devoted to loving each other, one of his ears was always stealing moments to point towards the city, where his best friend and his charge was. He would be betraying her if he didn't care.
He bowed apologetically and turned around, to walk towards the corridor leading to the outside world.
She would betray him if she let him leave, now that they had the time they had fought for.
As soon as Maekrite took one step into the corridor, he felt himself called by a profound sigh, one that he had last heard as a young Nidoran whose offer of a Torchic leg, stained in his own blood, had been rejected because it was cold and served an hour late. The Nidorino did not have the time to interpret this gesture as a final act of rejection though, because he suddenly found himself trapped in a necklock, Crerah licking his ear.
She effortlessly led him back to the depth of the den and then pressed herself against his flank, purring softly. She pushed him down to the ground and then lied down herself, half-curled and exposed, letting her eyes and breath reveal her sadness.
He had scented it before, that same night.
Only he now could finally understand what it truly meant.
He moved closer and lied against her, the two half-curled together. It only took a moment before their saddened breaths synchronised. She took some moments to lick his wound, and he licked her stained claw in return.
None of them was to let the other leave.
“Thou hast forgotten the face of thy Lord. Remember, mortal, and fear pet me.”
